Some Valentines From Me To You

Yesterday, I ran over to CVS on my lunchbreak in search of rolled oats (I made no-bake peanut-butter cookies last night, nom nom nom), and on my quest, I noticed a funny phenomena: large groups of grown men, sweating, pacing, and basically falling over each other in the Valentine's Day card aisle. Oh, you last-minute boyfriends, will you ever learn?

The only card I'll be receiving for this year's holiday is most likely whichever silly jibjab card my mom decides to create and spam my inbox with. This is OK. I'll be spending Valentine's Day with a bunch of like-minded single friends eating 2-for-1 pizzas and listening to bad love songs on the jukebox at the most romantic spot in Portland: Howie's Pub. No, it's not depressing. It's awesome. Despite my single status, curiosity got the best of me while in CVS and I had to check out some of the cards these men were all but throwing fists over. What I saw was beyond lame. And I thought to myself: I could make better cards than these.

So I did.

The ones I created are sometimes corny, mostly inappropriate, and always stupid. Here you are...Happy Valentine's Day!


For the caffeinated (and corny) Valentine:

 I Like You A Latte.

For the animal lover:

 My life would stink without you.

For the person who puts up with your crap:

Valentine's Day would be crappy without you.

For the card-carrying member of the NRA:

Valentine, you are a barrel of fun.

For the morbid Valentine:

I really dig you.

For the overheated Valentine:

Life's the pits without you. 

For Jennifer Love-Hewitt:

I'm hooked on you.

 

For the hip Valentine:

 I'll always love you, even if you go mainstream.

For the person with really crappy taste in '80s rock (or Katie Deshaies):

I would do (almost) anything for love.

For Bill:

I'm a sucker for you.

For the film buff:

I want to ______ your Face/Off.

or:

Here's to hoping I'm not "gone in sixty seconds" this Valentine's Day ; )

For the fraudulent Valentine:

 You stole my heart.

For the wordy Valentine:

Make a move already.

For him (from him):

I can't BEAR to be without you.

For the fruit lover:

I'm bananas for you.