Midnight Snack

I recently was on a trip to Florida. My brother was flying in a couple of days after my boyfriend and me, so on the day of his arrival we went to the Orlando airport to get him. On our way back to our rented home, we decided to grab some lunch. As we passed a Chili’s on the left, my brother cracked “How about Chilis?” and being the food snobs that we all are, this comment sent us into a frenzy of sardonic laughter. After driving back and forth on the Orlando highway strip ninety times, seeing nothing but Cracker Barrels and gas station “cafes,” we found ourselves slinking into Chili’s with our tails between our legs. Luckily, they had 2-for-1 margaritas, so all was not lost. However, this encounter got me thinking about what spoiled brats most of us are in Portland. While I am sure downtown Orlando must have better options than the highway strip we searched on, the town of Davenport, where we stayed for a few days, boasted nothing but chain restaurants and “cheap” Disney ticket sales at the grocery stores. So, being the never satisfied person I am, instead of relishing in the wonderful restaurants scattered throughout Portland, I began to think of what could be improved upon in our city. My conclusion was that late-night dining could definitely get beefed up. I’d like to see some “street meat”: taco stands, gyros, etc., ready at my convenience past normal business hours. Sadly, the world does not always serve me at my convenience. Even so, I am not going to be a complete glass-empty kind of girl (today), and instead, I will celebrate the places in Portland which do offer good food past ten.

I know most of us have been there. Last call has been called. The very bottom of your warm Bud Lite has been drank (although, you’re not quite sure why), and just as you’re gearing up to crawl in that cab and then superman into your amazing bed, it hits you: hunger. Now if this were some time in the not-so-distant past, you perhaps would have begrudgingly made your way down to Bill’s Pizza to get some overpriced cardboard, guaranteed to treat you to one heck of a belly ache when you arise in the morning. However, get pumped Portlanders, gourmands, or just drunks kids, because this city has wised up recently and slowly accumulated some great late-night dining spots.

1)      Best Late Night Pizza can be found at Otto’s. Now, for a lot of you, this is old news. You’re saying to yourself, “of course Otto’s…that was cool years ago—why am I even reading this stupid blog?” Fair enough, but I am mentioning this lovely little pizzeria because I can’t seem to wrap my brain around that fact that a lot of the Old Port’s biggest frequenters seem to continually settle for Joe’s Slice Bar & “New York” Pizza, when the delicious and far superior Otto’s is just a skip and a jump away. Let me tell you something about Joe’s Slice Bar. Not only is it stupidly overpriced ($10 for 2 slices! Unreal!), but it’s not even very good. The pizza is usually just lukewarm when you get it, there aren’t that many slice options, and on several occasions I’ve seen Kevin Federline look-a-likes get into fights with each other, all over some lovely girl wearing a sparkly tube top with a bedazzled “bitch” written in rhinestones across her chest. I guess you take what you can when you’re next door to The Cactus Club and Foreplay, still it kind of kills the appetite. Even more ridiculous is the “New York Pizza” added at the end…really Joe? I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that when people say they’re craving some New York pizza, they’re not fondly thinking of elbowing their way through a sea of cologne-soaked drunks to buy one of your overpriced second-rate slices. So, instead of subjecting yourself to pizza that’s slightly better than Bill’s, take the brief stroll up to Congress and enjoy some Otto’s. As most of you know, every slice is $3 and they like to get creative with their pizza---you can get mashed potato on your slice! For those more conventional pizza fans, fear not; they also offer the old failthfuls like cheese and pepperoni. So skip the mediocrity, and save money. All you have to do is a walk a little further, and if you’re making a habit out of eating pizza at 1 in the morning, you could probably use the exercise. Best of all, while Otto’s is open until 2 am on the weekends, it’s good even when you haven’t been drinking, so stop by for lunch.

2)      Treat yourself to a tasty sandwich at Nosh-This place, I will admit, is not as cheap as my usual suggestions. A late-night sandwich at Nosh is going to cost you from $9-11. However, you won’t regret it, unless you hate delicious food, in which case—stop reading this and go to Bill’s. This is a dining option I recommend on a night when you aren’t really “getting after it” too hard (isn’t that what all the kids are calling it?). In other words, don’t spend $10 on a scrumptious Steak N’ Cheese only to wake up the next morning wondering why you have heartburn and bits of cheese next to the mascara stains on your pillow. Since Nosh serves food until 12:45 AM, it’s a good place to go if you get out of a concert late and realize you've skipped dinner, or if you have what I will argue is a healthy appetite and want dinner round two come midnight. Nosh also has a full bar, so enjoy your favorite drink while mowing down on late night snacks. If your wallet isn’t cooperating with your sandwich needs, split one with a friend. It’s late anyway, and your digestive system will probably thank you. Plus, they’ve got more than just sandwiches. Their fries and fried pickles are more affordable ($5-6) and equally delectable. I stopped by the other night with a friend and split an incredible meatloaf panini and some of the seasalt and vinegar fries. I went home a very happy lady.

3)      Check out the late-night menu at Sonny’s. Jay Villani (Local 188) has got a new spot and it’s a great place for lunch, dinner, drinks, or late-night munching. I’d been there for lunch and really enjoyed my meal, so I was pretty excited to discover that they have a late-night menu. I know a lot of people frequent Sonny’s during the night scene, as it really is a nice spot to meet up with friends for a drink. So, if you’re hungry while you sip, order an empanada off the late-night menu. Everything is under $10 on this later menu, and if you’re a fan of “new world cuisine” (fancy shmancy way of saying delicious Cuban, Mexican, and Brazilian influences), then you’ll most likely leave happy. One funny thing about Sonny’s is that the crowd on a weekend night is often mixed. Look around and you’ll see your barely graduated twentysomethings probably ordering shots, wealthy (or at least trying to look so) 40 year-olds sipping on martinis, the typical Elvis Costello-glasses-wearing hipsters most likely drinking Brooklyn Lagers, followed by the group of single women bordering on 30 and “totally cool with it,” as they sip their vodka and soda water through tiny straws. What does this mean? Well, if you’re anything like me this translates into “there’s a surplus of people to make fun of.” So sit back with friends and make fun of everyone while you destroy some empanadas and drink a tasty beer. But don’t think you’re too cool—some other group a few tables down is probably laughing at you and your friends as you chow down.

Until next time, stop going to Joe’s Slice Bar, enjoy the weather as it (hopefully) gets warmer, and bon appétit!

(Don't) sing me a song piano man...leave it to those with talent: a few suggestions for good live music in Portland

While patronizing a local establishment in the Old Port, I recently experienced a rather pathetic yet sadly common pick-up attempt. It was about ten minutes until closing and I had gone over to the bar to order a drink. I had hoped to quickly grab my beer and then resume my evening on the dance floor. On this particular evening, I had met up with some coworkers from a very new job and was trying to get back to the group before last call so they could all marvel at how cool I am outside of work. However, I was unable to return to the dance floor to impress these coworkers with my awkward un-rhythmic jolting because as I turned to walk away from the bar, I was blocked by a very intoxicated and lonely looking man in a suit and tie. I’d seen this man drunkenly eyeing me from a few feet away and even heard him mumble something incoherently while I’d ordered my drink; his speech was so slurred that he wound up sounding more like the prospector Gabby Johnson from Blazing Saddles than the white-collar young person he appeared to be.

At first, I couldn’t be certain he was speaking to me as he certainly wasn’t speaking any human language I’ve been made aware of. However, as he stepped in front of me, head bobbing in a drunken trance, I knew what was coming and whole-heartedly dreaded it. Just as I suspected he might, he opened his gaping drinking hole, gave me a full body scan from his crossed eyes, and somehow (kind of) spoke: “Dojoo like live music?” Despite the intellectual witticism of this opening statement, I felt my eyes going for the roll. I stopped myself from completely dismissing and embarrassing this fellow merely out of the truly pitiable nature of the come-on. Amazingly, as drunk as he was, he seemed to realized the blunder he’d just made. He tried to recover by hitting himself on the head with his palm and essentially shouting à la Napoleon Dynamite: “That was stupid! I’m so bad at this!” I actually felt bad for him and was about to agree with him while politely dismissing myself, when he carried on by asking me what I do for a living. As I was about to respond with another phrase for "goodbye," he blurted: “I work at such-and-such office, but I’m really a musician…”

 I immediately felt my gag reflex preparing for launch.

The rest of this man’s awkward attempt to talk with me was sad and boring. He didn’t listen to anything I had to say, although what I was trying to say was goodbye. He just continued to go on and on about how his guitar and his music were his “true loves.” The worst part of this annoying encounter is that it was not the first time a “musician” has tried to impress me (or anyone) with a very lame come-on about their musical interests. Even more, not only have they crashed and burned with their self-promotional conversation topics, these guys (and sometimes girls) tend to ignore everything you say, only waiting for another chance to tell you about how talented they are.

At this very same bar a year or so earlier, I was settling up my tab at the end of the evening, when the night’s musical act thought it’d be a good idea to approach me by stating that he “couldn’t help but notice” I was dancing along. There were only about six of us dancing, so he immediately impressed me with his keen observation skills. Instead of being the mean, sarcastic person I sometimes want to be, I smiled nicely enough and grabbed my jacket. As I was trying to make my exit, he tried again: “So, do you like original music?” I might add that this guy was doing pretty terribly rendered Billy Joel covers throughout most of the night. I responded (perhaps rather freshly) that anyone who liked music probably liked original music, as all music was once original. Instead of being stung by my sarcasm, he completely ignored my disinterest and proceeded to tell me about his “other gig” doing “originals” and “that kind of thing." To top it all off, not only did he fail to notice my boyfriend standing right behind me the entire time, he also concluded this painfully boring “conversation” by asking me for my e-mail address so he could “get in touch," as well as alert me of any upcoming shows he might be playing.

I guess my point in writing about these unfortunate run-ins with would-be musicians is that this is a fairly common occurrence in Portland, and probably every other city where instruments are freely sold. I for one would like to see an end to it. I love music. And live music is even better. But not if you’re a moron that can barely play guitar. There’s too much good music to settle for mediocre ego-maniacs whose idea of a good conversation starter is something as brilliant as “do you like original songs?”  Rather, I would like to steer us all towards some of my favorite places in Portland where you can enjoy some good live music and I'd also like to mention some of the great acts coming to play here in the near future. Hopefully, these venues and shows will let you avoid the previously written about run-ins (although I’m not making any solid promises).

1)The State-Thank goodness this wonderful and historic venue is back in action. It was a dark time for the Portland music scene (and certainly for me) without it. It definitely brings in some musical acts that aren’t normally inclined to play at the Civic Center. No Kenny Chesney stadium blow-outs at this more intimidate theater (though I must admit, I’ve been known to belt out lyrics to “Keg in the Closet” on more than one occasion). This place has a knack for attracting some world-renowned talent. I’m probably not telling you anything you don’t already know, but The State’s got some pretty sweet shows coming up this spring that are worth checking out. Plus, most of the tickets are very reasonably priced. Here’s just a sampling of the great stuff they’ve got lined up:

●Soul Live comes to Portland Saturday, March 19. Tickets are only 20 bucks.  I’ve seen this funk/jazz trio before, and they kick butt. So, scoot on over to the State and embrace your funky side. http://www.statetheatreportland.com/event/26983/

●Sara Bareilles is performing Friday, April 1. Tickets are $22 in advance and $25 at the door http://www.statetheatreportland.com/event/30279/. You may remember her from her 2007 pop hit “Love Song.” While I definitely sang along to the radio every time it came on, that particular song doesn’t really do Miss Bareilles justice; it sounds more like a Kelly Clarkson chart climber. However, Sara Bareilles is actually a really talented vocalist and musician—she plays four instruments in addition to singing. Plus, while I’ve never seen it first hand, I’ve heard she gives a great live performance. Skeptical of her talents? Check out this really nice stripped-down cover of “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcslPIE0ysE&feature=related.                                               

●Iron & Wine will be performing Monday, April 18. Iron & Wine’s Sam Beam is really talented, a bit of an oddball, and he kind of looks like Zach Galifianakis, so what’s not to like? Tickets are $23 in advance and $25 at the door (if it doesn’t sell out). http://www.statetheatreportland.com/event/26971/

●The Avett Brothers come to Portland Thursday, June 2! I am unbelievably excited about this one. I first heard of these guys a few years ago when I was researching the bands at Bonnaroo to make sure I didn’t miss any shows I’d kick myself about later. Well, I did end up missing The Avett Brothers because I slept through it. And ever since my friend Pete later got me into them, I absolutely have been kicking myself. But now it seems life has given me a second chance as they’ll be gracing Portland with their folk-rock-bluegrass-pop-honky tonk fusion of loveliness. I will say though, while I usually recommend pretty cheap entertainment, the tickets for this show are a wee bit more expensive than the rest of the acts I’ve been suggesting: they’re about 40 bucks. And if you’re a broke college student, or just plain broke, quit your whining and skip a weekend in the Old Port so you will have enough money to go see this amazing band. You won’t regret it. It beats another drunken night at Gritty’s anytime. Anyway, if people can shell out hundreds of dollars to see Miley Cyrus wear a blond wig and badly sing crappy songs, then you can spend $40 on The Avett Brothers.

2) The Empire­-Because I just freaked out over national (and international) musical acts, I want to make sure I also promote the local talent we’ve got here in Portland. The Empire Dine and Dance is usually a pretty fun place to go to dance and listen to some local musicians. They often have pretty decent acts. If you’re a bluegrass fan, definitely check out The Stowaways (no cover), playing every Monday night 8:30 to 11:30. Also, the drinks are reasonably priced and it can be a really fun atmosphere. The downstairs and upstairs almost seem like two different bars which is kind of fun in itself—upstairs is more dance-happy, while downstairs offers a more relaxed astmophere to sit and chat with friends while you sip on drinks. Plus, they’ve got open mic night every Sunday, which can sometimes be a good way to scope out local talent or even show off your own chops. Although, at such an inclusive event, you’re almost guaranteed to encounter some of the aforementioned talentless airheads with delusions of grandeur—proceed with caution!

3) Blue on Congress Street is absolutely one of the most intimate venues in Portland to relax and listen to music. It’s got a cozy and neighborly feel to it, and the close quarters makes the audience very much a part of the experience.  They’ve got both local and national talent streaming in. Every Wednesday is Irish Night, which is a cool way to check out something a little different. There is never a cover at Blue (though about once a month they have a ticketed show), but don’t be a stingy jerk. Musicians need money in order to keep entertaining you, so throw some love their way and toss a few bucks in the basket. Blue is a great place for everyone. They’ve got a really nice beer and wine list and if you’re not a big drinker they’ve got more than just alcohol to offer: as I’ve stated before in a previous post, they’ve got a wide array of teas and yummy coffees to choose from. Plus, the food is good and cheap so enjoy a nice home-style meal while being entertained.

This is a very small list of musical happenings in this city.  I am by no means cool enough to know all the good live music spots and goings-ons in Portland. So, if you have suggestions, comments, or ideas that could contribute to this post, by all means let me know. Furthermore, there are many places where you can see very talented local musicians which I've excluded only because I didn't want this post to go on for the rest of my life, and you probably don't want that either. As far as what I have suggested, I can’t guarantee that the musicians won’t ever be self-involved morons, but at least they might be talented ones. Until next time…

Funny Girl

DISCLAIMER: If you are a Dane Cook fan, maybe you shouldn't read this.

A few years ago, a male acquaintance of mine said to me, “Ali, you’re so funny.” As I felt my ego swelling, I smiled and thanked him just in time for him to follow up his compliment with this gem:  “And for a girl, that’s pretty rare.” If there were crickets in Maine in January, I think I would’ve been able to hear them chirping.

The depressing thing about these off-putting comments is that they are not uncommon. I’ve heard similar arguments against women all of my life, and I’m sure you have, too. Just by Googling “female comedians,” you can find really intelligent hits like these: “7 Hottest Female Comedians (Who Are Actually Funny),” “10 Female Comedians Who Are Almost As Funny As Dane Cook,” and “Women should not do stand up comedy.”

First off, I’m not sure what being hot has to do with comedy. I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember anyone laughing at Chris Farley because of his rugged jaw line.

Second, the one referring to 10 female comedians being “almost as funny as Dane Cook” must be a joke in itself. In fact, I laughed harder reading that title than at anything I’ve ever seen Dane Cook do. He’s the most overrated comedian I can think of. The fact that he gets paid to tell unfunny stories and perspire in front of thousands of people actually upsets me. He’s an idiot. Apparently, not even his own family likes him; his brother stole millions of dollars from him, probably as payback for all the years of terrible jokes and exaggerated body language. I can think of 10 garden slugs funnier than Dane Cook, let alone 10 women. The only funny thing that man has ever done is his monologue describing women as “brain ninjas,” and that’s only because there’s humor in truth. To be a brain ninja, in Dane Cook’s case at least, women would have to be smarter than Dane Cook. Based on his comedy routines, I can confidently say almost all of the women I know (and most of the men I know, as well) qualify in this category. As revenge for all the times in college I had to watch that jerk shout unfunny anecdotes on YouTube, I can only hope Dane Cook encounters as many brain ninjas in his life as women in this world that are funnier than him.

Lastly, the brilliantly titled “Women should not do stand up comedy” floored me with its unparalleled wisdom. Duxtape comments on the thread: “I turned on some Comedy Central Presents, and there was this girl named ‘Iliza Schlesinger’, so I put it on out of randomness. She is horrible. She's hot and has a nice ass, so I left it on just to gawk at her in her tight jeans.” Furthermore, I was also impressed with the immense amount of research that appears to have gone into many of this website’s comments. HAWTakayama writes: “Just about 100% of female comedians are horrible because they haven’t evolved to have the creatively-insane thoughts males do.” This insightful quip is followed by JSTORM’s life-changing attitude: “To be a funny standup comic you need insight into those little oddities that we encounter once in a while on this strange journey of ours that we call life. Such humorous and often poignant idiosyncrasies are not found in the kitchen.” Thank you for your thoughts, JSTORM, but first of all, “standup” is not a word. And secondly, with an attitude like this and a username like “JSTORM,” I have a hard time believing you’ve ever successfully brought a woman back to your mom’s basement, or wherever it is that you live, so I almost forgive you for being so out of touch with the opposite sex.   

There is a point to all this ranting; women are funny. Need proof? Well, then you’re an idiot, but here’s a small list of just a few of Hollywood’s funny ladies: Lily Tomlin, Lucille Ball, Joan Rivers, Cheryl Hines, Mo’Nique, Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Ellen DeGeneres, Leslie Mann,  Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Maya Rudolph, Wanda Sykes, Rachel Dratch, Jane Lynch, Kristin Wiig, Allison Janney, Mindy Kaling.  Obviously not all women are make-you-laugh-‘til-you-cry hilarious, but if you think that all men are then you’re a bigger ass than Dane Cook. I know more funny women than unfunny women. The only reason I don’t shrivel up into a ball and stay that way until I die after reading or hearing ignorant comments like the ones we just saw, is because I do have a sense of humor.

So, if you also have a sense of humor and are tired of seeing funny ladies finish last, then check out Kerri Louise February 24-26 at the Comedy Connection at 16 Custom House Wharf in the Old Port. Kerri, a former finalist on NBC’s Last Comic Standing with Jay Mohr, makes a lot of jokes about her life as a mother and wife and is pretty entertaining to listen to, though our friend JSTORM may tell her to get back to the kitchen. If you go to the Thursday night show, it’s only half-price—that’s $8.75. You can buy your tickets at http://www.brownpapertickets.com/producer/14206

Until next time, appreciate the funny women in your life. Maybe actually let them know you think they’re funny…just please don’t end that compliment with “for a girl.”

Hump Day

(For all those smart-asses out there, I’m aware that this entry is being posted on a Saturday, and not a Wednesday. So keep your wisecracks to yourself. It’s been a busy week. Just keep these ideas in mind for any future Wednesdays.)

It’s Wednesday night and you’ve had a long day at work. Actually, you’ve had a long week and it’s only Wednesday. You’ve spent the past two nights on your couch too tired to do much but spill Lucky Charms on that unwashed pair of sweatpants while shamefully hypnotized by one of the forty seven CSI or NCIS programs. Suddenly, you have an overwhelming fear that one more session of LL Cool J and Chris O’Donnell (Remember him? That’s Robin from George Clooney’s biggest cinematic mistake, Batman and Robin) solving another seemingly unsolvable case in just under fifty minutes might actually kill you. You’re suffering from what I like to call The Hump Day Itch. You have an unexplainable urge to do something even though it’s not the weekend. The only problem is you spent a buttload of money over the actual weekend in the Old Port and you don’t get paid again until Friday. Your Hump Day Itch just became your Hump Day Blues: you’re too poor to satisfy your Wednesday night desire for activity. So, do you just resign to the couch and the unwashed sweats for another round of watching the actor formerly known as Robin in a spin-off of a spin-off? Thanks to this entry, no, you do not. Instead, here are some suggestions for cheap and entertaining ways to pass your Wednesday evening and get out of your pathetic rut of terrible television and junk food gluttony:

1)      Grab some friends and go bowling! On Tuesday and Wednesday nights from 9pm until close, Yankee Lanes has an open bowling special of $1.99 a game. The alley has got a bar and grill attached so if you and your friends are looking to kick back a few to improve your game, then you’re out of luck. Alcohol actually makes you worse at bowling. But, they do have some pretty sweet drink specials.   

2)      Nothing says Wednesday night like wings. Head on over to Samuel’s on Forest Ave for 50 cent wings. I am not the first to describe Samuel’s as one of Portland’s best kept secrets. I guess this means it’s no longer a secret. It doesn’t really matter either way though because the wings are great and the beer is cheap. Plus, the atmosphere is unpretentious and old school. By unpretentious, I mean no flannel-donning hipsters; look around and you’ll see beer-bellied blue collar guys and their mulleted wives. It’s awesome. Plus, they’ve got wood paneling, tube televisions (that’s right, no flat screen TVs in this sports bar), and all the blue cheese and celery you could want.

3)      Get your Irish on. Wednesday night is Irish night at Brian Boru’s from 8pm-11pm. Maybe you’re thinking, “wait a minute, isn’t every night at this Irish pub, in fact, Irish night?” Well, sort of. But on Wednesdays they’ve got $4.00 Irish Beers, including Guinness, Harp, Smithwicks, Kilkenny, Galway Bay Red and Galway Bay Pale Ale. You can also do the Irish Beer Flight, for only $6.99—that’s a 5 oz tasting glass of each of the Irish beers, plus you get to keep the glasses. Maybe ask that girl out from work you like (or not--things could get awkward quick in the workplace when you don’t ask her out a second time) or go with a group of friends. Either way, it’s a guaranteed good time for all you Irish beer aficionados. Since it’s over at 11 you’ve got a good excuse to head home at a reasonable hour, allowing you to get to work on time Thursday morning, if that’s what you intend to do.

4)      Be a guitar hero. A real one, not the video game version (although I did recently beat Metallica’s “Wherever I May Roam” on Hard, so you tell me who the real guitar hero is). For all your would-be and aspiring musicians out there, head on over to the Dogfish Bar and Grille on Free Street for their Wednesday open mic night. I know, I know. I’ve already written about this establishment before so why do I keep plugging them? Well, because they’re amazing. They’ve got excellent food (see my first entry) and they support local musicians and artists. So, if you’ve been harboring secret indie-rock star fantasies while singing in the shower, head on down to Free Street. Bring your guitar, your keyboard, your vocal stylings, or your whatever, and show this town what you’ve got. If you totally crash and burn, you can always go back to Buru’s and catch the tail end of that Irish beer special to drown your sorrows. If drinking's not your thing, bowl away those blues!

Alright, so now that I’ve shown you the cure to your Hump Day Itch (sorry that this phrase sounds suspiciously like something you might be embarrassed to visit your doctor about) and your Hump Day Blues by telling you about a couple of the things to do in Portland on Wednesday nights that you can actually afford to do, it’s time for you to get off the couch! Not only will watching Chris O’Donnell do pretty much anything definitely not lead you anywhere but down the road to a deep depression, it’s also unnecessary. With a surplus of things to do on Wednesday nights, who needs NCIS?

Some advice to the single men of Portland: for your love life and your wallet

So it’s Friday night and you’re at the Old Port. Again. You’re out with your boys, you’ve got your dark “nice” jeans on, that button-up shirt with the vertical stripes, and you’re feeling pretty darn good. And even though you shaved yesterday (girls love that five o’clock shadow), you put on some of that L’Oreal aftershave so you know you smell nice; you don’t wear cologne anymore after your last girlfriend told you it reminded her of an eighth grade dance. It’s getting later and though you came out to meet some women, you have yet to leave your all-male group. A couple drinks, then a few more, still more, and suddenly you’re feeling great. You’re about to order that last beer and then you spot her. She’s at the other end of the bar (they’re always at the other end, aren’t they?) and she is hot. You think maybe she’s stealing some glances your way, and you order your beer with confidence. As you take that first sip, you let your eyes slowly lower to hers. While you lock in the penetrating eye contact, you casually show off your swagger as you cascade to her end of the bar. If you’re lucky…hell, if she’s lucky…she’ll be in a cab on her way back to your place in twenty minutes.

Stop.

While this perhaps seems like an excellent Friday evening, and an even better set up for the early morning hours of Saturday morning, this could be yet another terrible misjudgment of a string of misjudgments by your drunken alter ego. Let me just inform you that as a young twenty-something female, I’ve seen you do this before. And while you think you’re the Casanova of Gritty’s, you actually look like a red-faced, cross-eyed lunatic charging at this poor young woman from across the bar. And that’s the best case scenario. A worse case would be that this “hot” female you’re about to prey upon could actually look as pathetic and googley eyed as you, despite her drunk mind’s opinion on the matter. Let’s say this girl is the Cookie Monster-eyed female equivalent of your intoxicated self. She may not mind waking up to the framed and mounted plaques of your high school accomplishments in the small fake wood paneled bedroom of your parents’ basement. Heck, she even may not be horrified at the idea of doing the walk of shame in front of your Mom’s Saturday morning book club, all the while wearing last night’s tights with runs in them and your oversized University of Maine club softball t-shirt.  Even more, she may not even notice that surprised look on your face in the morning, suggesting that you either don’t remember last night, or were suffering from a case of severe “beer goggles” and wish you couldn’t remember. But, does this really sound like the excellent time you had mapped out in your head?

And hey, if what I’ve just described sounds like a pretty awesome Friday night to you, then disregard the rest of this entry. To each his own, right? This sage wisdom I am about to impart is for those looking for second dates, relationships, or something aside from waking up with a wicked case of morning breath and dizzying regret. Also, for the record I want it stated that I am no prude; I’m all about single people enjoying themselves and having fun. But “having fun” sometimes translates into boring conversations and false alcohol-induced connections. As someone getting pretty tired of the routine come-ons the Old Port has to offer (and that goes for most of my female friends as well), I just figured I’d offer up my own advice for guys who want to meet women they either don’t lament inviting home or might even just call sometime to see if they want to get together again. So, if the secret to meeting a fun, interesting, sexy young woman is not (at least not usually) hitting on every young piece of tail in the Old Port until someone responds positively, then what is it? Well hey, I don’t claim to have the answers to everything, but I do have some pretty good starting points for ideas.

Try approaching a girl somewhere aside from a bar. Like where, you ask?  What do you like to do in your spare time? If you’re one of those adventurous types, try asking the cute girl out at the rock gym. More into books than physical activity? That’s fine, too. Next time you’re perusing your favorite local book store, keep your eyes alert for anyone that strikes your fancy. Meeting someone in a place which suits your interest boosts the likelihood of that being her interest as well. Maybe not. Maybe she hates reading and is only at the book store to buy something for her nerdy little brother’s birthday. But at least you’ll score points for the courage it takes to approach someone.

But maybe you don’t find yourself having a lot of spare time to pursue your hobbies and interests. So what then? All your friends go to the Old Port almost every weekend and you don’t really want to sit at home come Friday just because you didn’t have anywhere cool you like to go during the week that may lead you to bump into attractive women. Well, everyone goes to the grocery store, right? Reaching for the same pasta sauce could be your in. Strike up a conversation while waiting in line at the deli counter.

And look, I’m not totally unrealistic. People go to bars and people meet each other at bars. Especially young people in Portland. However, if you are looking for something more than the drunken one-night-deal, I suggest speaking to a woman earlier in the night rather than later. Say, during happy hour, before things get sloppy downtown. Also, if someone does catch your eye and you do find the stones to approach them, don’t just ask if you can buy them a drink. Introduce yourself and ask for her number. Then do something really crazy. Don’t text her. Call her sometime. Crazier still, when you do call, ask her out on a real date that doesn’t only involve a bar. I know, I know, I must be nuts, but it might actually impress her to see that you want to do something with her besides get drunk (oh, and that other thing…)

So now that we’ve figured out how and where you might approach her, things are looking up. Except wait, oh no. We’ve forgotten something huge. Where the hell do you take her on this proposed date? You live at home because you’re swimming in college debt, or maybe you’ve got your own place but your stupid entry level job pays crap and most of your money goes to rent. So not only are you lacking in ideas as to where to take her, but your wallet’s feeling pretty light these days. Well, have no fear gentlemen because I’ve got some great and cheap suggestions for interesting and memorable dates.

1)      Want to impress her with your knowledge of Portland’s jazz scene, all the while enjoying a great burger for under ten bucks? Kill two birds with one bill at The Dogfish Bar and Grill’s Free Street location. While the blackboard specials might scare away the thrifty diner, the regular menu features burgers and sandwiches for completely reasonable prices. Enjoy your blue cheese burger or your tomato pesto mozzarella baguette while accompanied by the FREE musical stylings of their Friday night jazz artist. Dinner and a show for a very affordable package! Also, if you or your date is into art, this restaurant is definitely the place to eat. The Dogfish has a wonderful reputation as a big supporter of the arts and they boast an array of local artwork (usually for sale) hanging on their walls. Even if you’re not looking to buy any new art (which let’s face it, you’re not because you’re currently scouring this blog for cheap date ideas) it’s always entertaining to check out the often funky and colorful displays.

2)      Show off your skating skills at Portland Ice Arena’s Public Skate-Ok, so I am already envisioning many of my male friends scoffing at this one. But for perhaps the more romantic of Portland gentlemen out there, this is a nice cheap way to get out and do something active on your date in the all-too-long Maine winter. It’s only $5 to skate and $2 for skate rentals. Plus, it’ll bring you back to the old couples’ skate days of a fifth grade birthday party at Happy Wheels. PIA is open to Public Skate almost every day. For a full schedule visit http://www.portlandicearena.com/publicskating.pdf

3)      Reveal your artsy side with a walk through the Portland Museum of Art-On the fourth Friday of every month the museum is free to the public from 5-8 p.m. Even if you don’t know much about art it’s a cool place to walk around and check things out. It is also a great way to start a conversation with your date. Maybe you’ll find you really like the exhibition and you can bond over the unusual technique of Katsushika Hokusai. Maybe you’ll both hate it but at least it will give you something funny to laugh about. Plus, it’s free, so no harm, no foul.

4)      Literary Type? Struggling writer? Bring her on over to Blue on the second Tuesday of every month for Port Veritas’ Second Tuesday Poetry Slam. It’s free admission and they’ve got a wide variety of teas, Coffee by Design, and beer so you can sip on your favorite beverage while you listen to some of Portland’s emerging poets. It's right on Congress Street so if you decide poetry isn't for you or your date, you've got an array of other choices just a stone's throw away. Plus, if you’re feeling hungry, they’ve got an eclectic menu from grape leaves to ravioli. And even better, everything on their menu is under $11!

5)      You got a C in high school Art Fundamentals, the last book you read willingly was “Goodnight Moon” in 1990, and you’d rather eat a bucket of larva than be seen on ice skates by your date. Well, alright. You’re a tough customer but I’ve got one last cheap date suggestion to run by you:  Dinner and a movie. Not very original, I know. However, while Portland’s Nickelodeon Theater may not boast the 15-theater overload the megaplexes at the mall are known for, it’s quite a charming little place. There’s no 3-D at this small 6-screen theater. Just quality movies and…wait for it…cheap ticket prices! On Bargain Tuesdays they offer 5 dollar tickets. 5 dollars! In 2011? That’s unheard of! Plus, located at 1 Temple Street, it’s right in the heart of Portland. After the flick, walk on down to Pai Men Miyake (located at 188 State Street), Portland’s newest Japanese noodle bar. Discuss the movie over $1 Naragansetts and $3 Hot Sake Carafes (Monday-Wednesday after 8 p.m.). The pork buns are amazing and their new spicy miso gives the noodles a healthy kick. For those of you familiar with Masa Miyake’s first Portland restaurant Miyake, you might be pleased to hear the spicy crunchy roll has found its permanent home at this second culinary endeavor. And last, but certainly not least, all the food on the regular menu is priced at $11 or less!

So, as this entry comes to a close, I hope those of you who stuck around until the end will heed my advice. Dating needs to make a comeback among twenty-somethings, and in a big way. The same old Old Port song and dance is so stale it’s beginning to mold. And I get it. Sometimes dating seems like an expensive alternative to the much easier “Wanna come home?” approach that often occurs in what my male friends refer to as the “five minute shuffle” between last call and cab rides home. However, as evidenced in this entry, Portland has a multitude of interesting things to do that will not only impress your new lady friend, but also your accountant. Well, if you had enough money to afford an accountant you might not be reading this blog, but you know what I mean. Until next time, good luck, have fun, spend less, be safe.