French Movie Night Series at Petite Jacqueline: The Perfect Sunday Night Out

 image from thenovicefork.blogspot.com

Ok, so those who know me may giggle to read my very excited post about something as fancy-sounding as a French movie night at a French bistro. But let me tell you, you don't need to be a fancy girl to attend Petite Jacqueline's french movie night. A pseudo tomboy,* I don't cook (unless boiling pasta counts?), I barely clean, I can't walk in heels, I drink too much cheap beer, I eat way too much pizza, and I have a hard time getting through the day without uttering words that might make a grown man blush. Not fancy in the least. However, I attended this "fancy-sounding" event last night and I still can't stop smiling. Pure loveliness.

*I don't dress like a boy. I don't play sports. But I am basically just too lazy to be feminine in a traditional sense. 

Sundays have unofficially become "date night" for me and my roommate Kelley. Both busy girls with full time jobs, Sunday seems to be our only mutual free night to hang out. Upon hearing about the French movie series a few weeks ago, Kelley and I both wanted to check it out. They screen a different movie every Sunday, and you sit at lovely little bistro tables, sipping on French wines and eating delightful dishes the whole film through. Despite our desire to go, we'd sadly let Saturday night's antics get the best of us, and instead wound up on our couches the past two Sundays, doomed to bumdom. This week, Kelley decided to be proactive and made us reservations at Petite Jacqueline. Today's permasmile is proof that this was a fantastic move.

We grabbed dinner elsewhere,* then headed to Petite Jacqueline around 7:30. The movies start at 8 but the hostess had recommended we come a little early so we could place our orders before it began. I'd never been inside the bistro before, and upon walking in, immediately liked it. The lighting was low, but not too low, the french artwork was a nice touch, and the music wasn't too loud. When we arrived they had just set up the movie screen with three rows of candlelit tables. It looked very--you guess it---fancy. I'd show you a picture, but for the first time in maybe two years, I left my iPhone at home. Rats!

*I had to use up a Groupon at Amigo's....not my favorite Portland Mexican spot, in case you were wondering. Unless you have a Groupon, too, I'd stick to drinks

Kelley and I took our seats and the server came over to grab our beverage order. (Note: the servers all wear striped shirts. I saw this over the summer and thought it was kind of cheesy, I've since changed my mind. I think it is rather charming upon a second look.) We brilliantly ordered a half carafe each of their house rose, causing the server to politely ask us if we wouldn't rather split a whole carafe. Smart girls. We did split the whole carafe and the rose was delicious. We also placed our orders for dessert (I got the crème brûlée, $6 and Kel ordered pot de crème au chocolat, $7). Still full from our Mexican feast, the server arranged it so our treats would come about half an hour into the movie.

While the more casual diner (or moviegoer) might think this all sounds a little too much for them, it's not. I did not wear my fancy girl disguise. Quite the contrary: I donned my typical oversized L.L. Bean flannel. No one seemed to care or notice. The servers are knowledgeable but not pretentious. They don't expect you to speak French. We asked a few times how to say different things, still failed to say them correctly, and unless one slipped past me, no eye rolls from our server.

The movie of the night was Julie and Julia. Though I adore Meryl Streep (I have half a brain and a heart, don't I?), I had missed this one back in 2009. As previously mentioned, I'm not the most feminine of girls. As a result, I tend to skip over movies that look too "chick flicky." Yes, yes, I sometimes suffer from a slight case of Cool Girl Disease and claim to hate all chick flicks. Confession: I've probably seen Never Been Kissed more than any other self-respecting woman on the planet, and last week I spent two nights alone on my couch surfing "romantic comedies" on Netflix. So yeah, I'm mostly full of shit. Anyway, Kel had seen Julie and Julia and assured me I'd like it.

Like it I did! It really isn't a chick flick at all--it's just a plain ole feel good movie. Maybe I got carried away by the atmosphere Petite Jacqueline so expertly crafted--or maybe I'd had too much rose, but I definitely teared up several times throughout the movie (in a happy way!). Of course Meryl delighted and impressed throughout and Stanley Tucci was consistently wonderful as her douting husband. I also enoyed Amy Adams' story--most likely because it's about the rise of one aspiring writer's blog. Regardless of the reasons, I couldn't stop smiling the entire film through. The film choice really blended perfectly to the entire feel of Petite Jacqueline's Movie Night. The bistro even pairs their food specials to match the film's theme; last night's menu featured boeuf bourguignon (a Julia Child staple) and upside-down martinis (Amy Adams' character's signature drink). I didn't order either, but they both looked delicious.

When our desserts came, I was fully engrossed in watching Julie try (and often fail) several Julia Child recipes. I was ready for my crème brûlée . And what a crème brûlée it was! First of all, it was huge. For a girl with a sweet tooth as strong as mine, this was beyond exciting. But not as exciting as the party my tastebuds were treated to. If you're a crème brûlée  fan, order this!  If you aren't, Petite Jacqueline's may convert you. For a nontraditional gal, I like to keep things surprisingly simple when it comes to this dessert. Vanilla bean was perfect. I realize their menu is subject to change and I would willingly try any other type of crème brûlée these folks whip up, but I have a feeling I'll be craving their vanilla bean recipe from here on out. Thanks Petite Jacqueline for providing me with yet another unhealthy vice.

Since I loved my wine and dessert so much, I think next time I'll get dinner. They have a three course Prix Fixe for $30. Despite being constantly broke, this seems very reasonable given the quality and the service. Or maybe I'll just ask my mom to come with me next time so she'll foot the bill. Just kiddin' Ma...but seriously, if you want to go...

And while this event may be the perfect mother-daughter outing or girls night out, date nights shouldn't be ruled out. I did notice everyone at last night's screening was in fact female--it could have something to do with this particular evening's movie choice or maybe just the idea of attending a French Movie Night on Sunday sounds unmanly* to certain image-concerned men. Either way, Petite Jacqueline's movie night is a perfect reason to get out of the house Sunday night. In fact, given the excellent experience I had, I'm going to make it a new Sunday tradition. I strongly recommend you do, too. Though don't bring too many people--there are only so many seats available and I'm going to be pissed if you take mine.

*If that's a real concern dudes, you guys are idiots! Just try telling me treating a girl to French cuisine and a film at a classy bistro isn't a completely pimp move?! Yeah, that's what I thought.

If you are smart and actually take my advice, make sure to make a reservation. We only got in because someone else had cancelled. Below I've provided the schedule (and menu specials) for the remainder of the series. And if you're not stuffing your face with wings and watching the TV as grown men in tights grunt and tackle each other at the Super Bowl, maybe I'll see you at Petite Jacqueline next Sunday. Bon Appétit!

February 5th- La Vie En Rose
Featuring coq au vin.

February 12th- A Man and a Woman
Featuring oysters and champagne.

February 19th- Ratatouille*
Featuring ratatouille.

How To: make a night of it in Bath, ME

I love Portland as much as the bicylce-riding, PBR-swigging hipster we've all come to know and hate on our walks down Congress Street. But, sometimes you just need to get the hell out of dodge. However, if you're broke as sin, getting "the hell out" can become tricky. Boston and NYC are almost instantly ruled out on account of being too expensive for your average broke Portlander. So should you just bite the bullet and head to The Downtown Lounge* for the fifth night in a row? Well, that's one option. But here's another solution I've found helpful when the itch to leave "the big city" starts to flare but bank accounts aren't quite measuring up to the task of spending: go to other towns in Maine.

*nothing against DTL--I love that place!

Wait...there are are other towns in Maine aside from Portland? And, they are, like, civilized? Yes, believe me, I was as shocked as you. Well, no, I wasn't, but I get where you're coming from. Portlanders, myself included, have a way of getting trapped in the bubble of our pretty little seaside city--however, it wouldn't be the worst thing on earth to check out some more of the state. And not just to hunt/fish/camp/pretend your outdoorsy. Believe it or not, culture doesn't cease to exist north of Portland. And Maine is significantly cheaper than other weekend getaways. This post focuses on one awesome non-Portland destination in particular: Bath, ME.

My friend Cam lives up in Bath, and after so many weekends of the Old Port scene and Congress Street bars, a few of us decided to pack our weekend bags and make the 45 minute drive to the City of Ships. I had only ever known Bath in passing, on my way to what I'd previously considered more desirable locations (Boothbay, Camden); however, I will not overlook it again.

Cam's been up that way a few years and was an excellent host. Knowing my affinity for wings and mac n' cheese, he took us to Beale Street Barbeque for dinner. Beale Street had been a long love of mine since childhood. I used to go to the old South Portland location often. Sadly, they no longer reside on the other side of the Casco Bay Bridge, but thank heavens for me (and BBQ fans across Maine), there's still one in Bath.

Cam (and his girlfriend, my lovely rooommate Kelley) were raving about the buffalo wings. As Kel is a bit of a buffalo wings connoisseur, and I'm never one to turn down buffalo anything, I ordered them. Boy, am I glad I did.  They were amazing. I know everyone's freaking out over Gritty's wings since they were named here as the fourth best in the country, but I strongly suggest Beale Street not be ruled out. They were cooked perfectly: not stringy and dry, but tender and cooked through. Also, the sauce was just right. Evenly coated and most importantly, no drippy messes. Well, maybe that's not true. When you eat like me, a mess is a hard thing to avoid, but at least the sauce wasn't dripping down my arms, so that's a plus. While there is no 50 cent wing special at Beal Street like at my beloved Samuel's, I still spent less than $20 with food AND drink. Total score.

After dinner, we decided to head out on our Bath pub crawl. Our first stop: J.R. Maxwell. Well, actually we were in their basement bar, The Boatbuilder's Pub. This place definitely gave off a "regulars only" vibe so if you're from out of town, be ready for some possible stare downs. Luckily, I didn't have to get all Road House Swayze on these regulars, because Cam seemed to know pretty much everyone there, easing the tension. And though the bartender still kind of of ignored the rest of us, we were all eventually served our drinks. I ordered the "double" gin and tonic. It seemed like the norm here and I reallly didn't feel like being the sweet bitch from Portland who only ordered a single. Word to the wise: their double felt more like triple so make sure you eat first (preferably at Beal Street!).

 

While we enjoyed our doubles, we played Big Buck Hunter, which, as evidenced by the video above, was hilarious. Though it was not my first time playing, it reminded me that more bars in Portland should probably get this game. There's nothing I like more than embarrassing myself in front of my drunken peers, so why not give me a fake gun and let me miss animated prey point-blank.

Once we tired of Buck Hunter, we moved on to The Black Barnacle. We didn't stay here for long, but they had a decent selection of beers on tap and a knowledgeable bartender, who let us try a couple of different samples before we decided what met our drinking needs. The beers weren't expensive so that's always a positive thing for me and my ever-dwindling bank account. The crowd appeared to be a bit older than us*, but this was nice. It seemed like a good place to grab a drink after work. They also feature live music most nights, so another thumbs up from me.


*us being 20s, crowd being 30s and up

(Pictured above: Maggie at Byrnes Irish Pub)

When we finished our drink at the Black Barnacle, we set sail for Byrnes Irish Pub. This was my favorite part of the night (aside from stuffing wings in my face). While there is a quite the array of authentic ones scattered throughout Portland, I never seem to tire of a good Irish pub. Once again, everyone knew Cam. But this time, despite never seeing us before, the bartender (and general manager) Maggie, was very friendly and the service was great. I ordered a Guinness, and as I anticipated it might be (with a name like Byrnes), it was a lovely pour. Maggie chatted with us throughout the night, giving that old "tell me your problems" bartender vibe which seems to have gotten lost these days. So, naturally, I told her my life story--sorry Maggie!

Not only was the service great, but the astmosphere was perfect for an Irish pub. It's the kind of place where even the Irish cops stop by at the end of their shift, still in uniform, to grab a Guinness. I'm not making that up. This happened while I was there. I even winked at this particular cop because we had ordered the same beverage. He didn't wink back.

While I recovered from the rejection, I took in the general atmosphere of Byrnes. The walls are covered in silly, alcohol-related Irish sayings and photos (as evidenced below) and they have a countdown to St. Patrick's Day located in the back of the pub. Even the bathrooms cracked me up; in the men's bathroom you can find a poster of the urinals of Dublin. Please ignore the fact that I used the men's bathroom in an Irish pub (imagine all the poor aim...), and just accept that this place is cool. Bath is somewhat notorious for its Irish heritage; they host a HUGE city-wide St. Paddy's Day celebration every March. If you haven't got any plans yet for March 17th, I'd suggest taking the trip to Bath. Be sure to stop in at Byrnes while your'e at it. Something tells me it's going to be pretty wild.

My friends and I enjoyed Byrnes so much that we closed the place out. We were also the first ones there in the morning for breakfast. There was a different bartender working the day shift, and she was just as cool. She instantly made fun of our friend for ordering regular coffee, rather than an Irish one. So naturally, I liked her right off the bat. Not one for morning drinking, I did muster up the strength for a Bloody Mary, which was delicious. I'm also not a huge going-out-to-breakfast girl, unless it's at Uncle Andy's Diner. I ordered the mac n' cheese, instead. It was good--a little more mild than I usually like but very homestyle and very cheesy, so kind of perfect for soaking up the previous night's Guinness.

Aside from cops ignoring my advances, I had a great time. While I've never been to Ireland, Byrnes felt authentic. Maybe it's because it's where the locals seem to congregate. Or maybe it's the laid-back, "Guinness will fix your problems" attitude. It could be the fact they host an Irish sing-a-long every Sunday, which is beyond awesome. I'm not sure. But whatever the reason, I like it. 

After 24 hours in Bath, I had to get back to Portland for a concert. As a result, I only got to spend one night in this little city. It was short, but very sweet. I fell in love with some buffalo wings, shot and missed animated deer, didn't spent too much money, and when I returned to Portland, I felt like I'd been on a mini-vacation. All in one night! I'll be back for sure and I suggest next time you're feeling Portland-ed out, you venture up, as well. If you actually heed my advice, say hi to Maggie for me.

Portland's Best: Happy Hour (Part I)

(image from lvrunningscene.com)

While this past weekend's partying (and yesterday's headache) perhaps has more than a few of you ready to swear off alcohol for good this time, I've centered my first 2012 blog post around Happy Hours in Portland, Maine. Don't vomit. Just read.

I am a big fan of the Happy Hour. After work, I don't always want to go home to my empty cabinets and beerless fridge. Happy hour is a lovely alternative--if I attend said happy hour, I don't have to slave away boiling water for ramen noodles for the umpteenth night in a row. My lack of culinary skills and my love for local beers always has me on the lookout for the "ultimate" Portland Happy Hour. And though I'm sure I've missed a million good ones, I've compiled a list of some favorite spots for cheap drinks and eats.

Shay's Grill Pub in Monument Square has one of the best happy hours in town because of their food deals, as well as drink specials. Stop in to Shay's after a grueling Monday at the office and not only do they have $1.50 PBRs (don't roll your eyes; I am neither a hipster nor a lover of shitty beer--just broke), but you can pair that cheap swill with a $4 quesadilla. Wednesday nights their pub meals (usually priced between $13-15) are only $9.99, plus Bud Lites are on special for $2.50. And while the two beers I've mentioned are less than ideal for the beer snobs we cultivate here in Portland, Shay's Friday happy hour caters to those with a more refined palate: $3 local drafts. Boom.

                                                              (image from shaysgrillpub.com)


If you're not at Shay's on Monday night, you ought to check out The East Ender. It's located, as you may have guessed, in the east end, and it's got quite the happy hour hook up. They have pretty sweet deals every day; from 4pm-7pm they offer $2.50 Geary's Pale drafts, $3.50 Margaritas, and $3.50 House wine. But Monday night is the time to go because from 5pm to midnight, all drafts are only $3 and Hoegarden bottles are just $2. Holy smokes! 'Til midnight! Happy hours that end at 6pm make me sad because they exclude people with  regular workday jobs. Not all of us have the luxury of (or the liver for) day-drinking availability. Thank goodness The East Ender recognizes this.

A Tip: Last time I went, I scarfed down one of their signature (bacon topped) burgers as I sipped on $2 Hoegardens. I suggest you do the same. 

                                                         (image from my now broken $50 digital camera)

Rivalries Sports Pub and Grill had to make the list. For those that know me, this may seem funny, as my dad and stepmom are notorious Riv's regulars. And while I tease them for their sometimes less than adventurous dining choices, this place is actually a pretty cool sports bar. With the Celtics back in full swing, Rivalries is the perfect place to post up for your basketball fix. Their happy hour is awesome because it's actually not a happy hour; it's a happy day. Though the food specials only go til 7pm (which is still pretty neat), the drink specials run all day long. Yup. All day.

My advice: go on a Tuesday when it's 2-for-1 wings and $1 off Shipyard Drafts. The Sweet Chili Buffalo sauce alone is worth the trip. Though word to the wise: they are a bit on the saucy side so eat with caution--I once flung their sauce in my eye and borderline went blind. Also, not the best meal to eat on first dates, unless of course, you hate second dates.

                                                          (image from rivalriesportland.com)


Back over in the East End, is The Snug. The cool tables here are reason enough to go (it's like you've got your own private room!), but they also have drink specials every day from 5pm to 7pm. Once again, I'm a big fan of this 7pm situation, as it means I have a chance of getting there on time after work. All their drink specials are just $3, featuring both local microbrews, as well as imported delights. Otto's is right next door so if you want cheap pizza to go with your cheap drinks, you're in luck. Also, any bar that does this when someone robs them, pretty much rules.

                                                                     (image from thebollard.com)

Last, but not least, I have to mention Pai Men. Since opening in August 2010, this Japanese noodle bar has grown into so much more than noodles. Recently, they have really upped the ante with their Happy Hour--they've got two! This is a practice that's seen more in larger cities, but not so much in Portland. 7 days a week, Pai Men features drink specials from 4pm-5:30, and again from 9:30pm to midnight. I love the idea of a later happy hour--for those who work long hours, or for those who like to venture out a little later in the evening. Plus, they're across from One Longfellow Square, so it's perfect for after a show. Last time I was in, I enjoyed a $3 gin and tonic, and the lovely bartender/server Brooke graciously served my friend Matt his $2.50 hot sake. Yum yum.

                                                                 (image from my dated iPhone)

Honorable mentions:

Samuel's Bar and Grill has half-priced drafts every day from 2pm-6pm, and various kickass deals on any given night from 4-close. Oh, and as I've previously freaked out about on this very blog, they have 50 cent wings Wednesday and Thursday.

Andy's Old Port Pub has live music EVERY day and Mon-Fri $2.50 Shipyard Export drafts.

Howie's Pub, located out on Washington Ave, is one of my favorite "dive bars." The atmosphere is low-key, and the beer is always cheap. Monday nights, a seemingly hot time for awesome specials, is 2-for-1 pizza and $2 PBR drafts.


If none of these places tickle your fancy, then I'll punch you. No, wait. I mean, if you find yourself wanting more than just a list of my personal favorites, click here for a rundown of other great drink specials in this lovely little city. Cheers!

How To: have the best Maine Yankee Swap

A few years ago, my family started a tradition at our annual Christmas Eve party. Instead of the awkward gift-giving ceremony, in which members of the extended family exchange unwanted gifts, we decided to do a Yankee Swamp.

I was totally against the idea at first. I'd seen The Office, and basically my only real "experience" with this weird gift-stealing game was watching poor, Pam-smitten Jim realize defeat as the Dunder Mifflin Secret Santa had turned into a greedy version of Yankee Swap. As a result, I associated the game with selfishness and show offs (i.e. Michael Scott buying an iPod, despite the $50 limit). But it turns out, (and savor this moment because I'm Irish, and I rarely admit this) I was wrong. This game rules. And if your friends/family are planning on doing one this Christmas, you're going to have fun, as long as you do it right.

First, I'm going to point out a few "rules." And don't be a jerk and tell me rules are made to be broken. They aren't. That's what little potty-mouthed teenagers say because they don't know anything yet.

1. In my family, YS gifts are generally in the $10-$20 range. Either we're cheap, or we're respectful of the rules, but so far, no one has been the asshole to show up with a $100 gift. This is a big DON'T. The game is supposed to be fun. Period. Show offs are for the birds. Don't be one.

2. Do NOT regift. I'm all for reduce, reuse, recycle. But I don't want the potpourri you were given by the old lady in your book club. If you don't want it in your home, chances are I don't want it in mine. Bring that useless stuff to Good Will, and start from scratch, because everyone can tell when they've been regifted, and no one is impressed.

3. Don't take it too seriously. It's a game. If someone opens your present, and then gladly exchanges it for something they wanted more, smile and keep playing. You didn't buy it specifically for anyone, anyway. It's a game. As long as everyone leaves happy (either from the gifts their wound up with, or just from the general experience) then who cares? If you're a sensitive little guy/gal and can't handle that your 50 year-old uncle would rather have a nice bottle of wine than the lame gift-certificate you bought, then maybe you should go to a different Christmas party. Much like baseball, there's no crying in Yankee Swap.

So here are my top 3 favorite Yankee Swap gifts from years past. They're all pretty obvious choices, however, the key to my Christmas shopping this year has been to buy local, so I've taken my top 3 faves, and given them the Maine treatment. Here goes:

iTunes card - The first year we did a Yankee Swap, the iTunes card was maybe the most popular gift (it even beat booze, and we're Irish). It was snatched a few times, lots of laughs were had at the expense of one particularly disappointed music lover as he found himself dispossessed of the gift card, and in all the years since, it remains a popular gift at our party. Personally, I love a good iTunes card because I'm almost always broke and I definitely always love music. So this is a great and easy idea. However, here's my Maine alternative: buy a Bull Moose gift card instead. It's a local establishment, with plenty of locations throughout Maine and New Hampshire, and they sell vinyl, tapes (if you're a shithead hipster that thinks listening to a tape player is somehow more "real"), and CDs, among other things. Plus, they're a big supporter of local music, so that's awesome. If you're family isn't all from Maine, don't sweat. You can redeem their gift cards online, too. It's a Christmas miracle. Oh wait, no, it's just not 1998.

Manicure gift card - The men reading this might roll their eyes, but wait just a minute. The whole point of this game is the SWAP. If a dude doesn't want a manicure, he can exchange it for whatever testosterone-filled gift he has his heart set on. But in all the years we've played the game at my house, the manicure is a hot commodity. You can pretty much see the fire in each female's eyes as one rips the gift card from the other's unrelenting hands. It's awesome, and everyone gets a good laugh. My cousin owns Rejuvenations so I'm plugging the crap out of it. It's local (Falmouth, ME) and they do a beautiful job. So buy your gift cards there. If you absolutely can't get your buns out to Falmouth, there's about five million salons in the Old Port you can support with your patronage.

Wine - Now, I know not everyone drinks. But again, the key to this game is the swap, so who cares? Plenty of people do drink, and those who do, probably like wine. Every year, someone brings a kickass bottle to our party, and every year, whoever originally opens it does not end up with it. This means it's a popular gift, so I say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Except, I don't really say that, because this whole post takes these ideas, and Maine-ifies them. So here's how to "fix" it: buy local. While Maine is certainly known for it's microbreweries, it's wines aren't quite as mainstream. Though there are some Maine wineries (Vintners, Cellardoor, Winterport Winery, etc.), you don't technically have to buy a Maine-product to keep things local. Just go to a Maine business. City Beverage, Old Port Wine And Cigar, Downeast Beverage Co., Maine Beer & Beverage Co. are among many options.

Alright. Obviously, there are tons of fun things to bring to a Yankee Swap party that aren't in my top 3. So if you're thinking of something else, that's cool. But as a big supporter of Buy Local, I plead you to do just that: there are so many business in the Pine Tree state--give them some business! Maine is an awesome place. Let's celebrate the holidays by giving back to the community we love so much.

Until next time, Happy Holidays!

Beat the broke kid blues: money-saving tips for your weekend

Last night I went to dinner with my stepdad and mom at Portland’s Five-Fifty-Five. After I finished slurping (yes, slurping) down my bangs island mussels, I impatiently awaited the truffle lobster mac n’ cheese* I had ordered. Upon the delivery of such a heavenly creation, depression set it.

*Side Note: I previously blogged about best cheap mac n’ cheese in the city. While all the macs I mentioned in that post are truly great, this Five-Fifty-Five mac n’ cheese really takes the cake. However, I can’t really justify recommending it as a cheap dining option in Portland, as it’ll run you about $31. What I will do is recommend you suck up to your parents, find a sugar daddy/momma, or start sleeping with your boss in the hopes that one of these older, more financially-established individuals will purchase the meal for you.  That’s right—I just told you to essentially throw away your integrity for a plate of mac n’ cheese. But damn, was it good.

At what should have been one of the better moments of my eating-life (from at least a mac n’ cheese stand point), it occurred to me that I had an embarrassingly small amount of money in my bank account and a lot of bills.  Essentially, this means not only no more truffle lobster mac n’ cheese, but the denial of many fun things.  And to top it all off, rent is due this weekend. Shit, I hate the first of the month!*

*Wow, what suburban white girl problems I have—complaining that I can’t eat at Five-Fifty-Five on the reg?! I know, I know. But this is a blog called “Things I heard in the Old Port,” not “How I Freed Tibet,” so just relax.

As the first of the month approaches, you may be finding yourself in a similarly depressing situation: broke, hungry, and pissed that you aren’t living the twenty-somethings lifestyle Friends lied to you about. Basically, leaving the apartment seems like a distant dream, as it usually requires money being spent. However, as you reluctantly hand that rent check over to your landlord, don’t lose hope of ever having fun again.

Turns out, being broke isn’t the end of the world! Just ask Joey from Friends; he’s a struggling actor who lives in a fabulous Manhattan apartment and frequents Knicks/Bulls games in the 90s! That could totally be you! Ehh…anyway…to have fun in REAL life, you just have to know where you can go for free stuff in this town—thank God you have me. Don’t worry, I got your weekend covered:

Tonight: FREE dance party at Flask Lounge! Atomik and Hjort & St. Pierre (formerly Secret Weekend) will provide sweet tunes all night long for you to boogie to for free.  This place is the official home of the Moxie Bomb, so if you’re a real Mainer, you will try this incredible creation. Oh wait, you’re broke. Bat those lashes, and shamelessly flirt, in the hopes of some stranger purchasing the beverage for you. You can’t afford to be picky, either, because you probably can’t  even afford shampoo at this point. Moxie + Jager will be worth the exchange with a creepy stranger. Party starts at 9 and is sure to be a fabulous time. Don’t believe me? Fine, you don’t have to take my word for it, check out Dispatch Magazine’s latest News by the Nunz for confirmation!

Saturday: You will wake up tired from all the Moxie Bombs, your feet will hurt because you danced all night long, and you will still have no money. Oh, also, it’s going to rain, so Saturday is looking grim. False! The Nick has $6 matinees! I’d say check out Drive because Ryan Gosling kicking ass is pretty much guaranteed to cure your broke-kid blues; the soundtrack is also pretty awesome (click here). If violent movies aren’t for you, skip the Ryan flick and check out 50/50 with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogen. JGL was almost capable of out-cuteing Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer, not an easy feat, and he is, I think, a fantastic actor. Plus, who doesn’t’ like a good bromantic comedy? Ooh Judd Apatow, look what you started you sly dog!

After the movie, take a nap. It will prevent you from spending any more money, and it’s Saturday afternoon—you deserve it, damn it! Once you arise, resist the urge to pay for food outside of your apartment—unless it’s a $3.50 slice from Otto’s (believe me, I’m as devastated as you are about the fifty cent price increase).

Evening plans: Sunset Hearts CD release party at SPACE. While my brother would describe this venue as “RFH,”* I like it.  Try to look beyond the hipsters, and enjoy yourself. It is Saturday night, after all! This show’s only $5, and the wonderful Kurt Baker and Mango Floss join Sunset Hearts—so that’s 3 bands for $5. I bet the Marshall’s lady would agree when I say that’s a wicked bahgain.

*Really Effin Hip adj. Describing somewhere likely to be crawling with skinny jeans wearing, thick-rimmed glasses donning, MECA dropouts (or worse…currently enrolled students), who most likely aren’t enjoying themselves at this RFH hotbed because the amount of people in attendance might suggest the band playing is now too mainstream, and obviously way less “legit.” RFH can describe a place (Congress Street), a thing (messenger bags), a band (Foster the People before “Pumped Up Kicks” was ever played on the radio), a state of mind, etc. 

^You might see that guy at SPACE.

Sunday: It is supposed to be a lazy day. Sleep in. Watch Netflix; Breaking Bad is now on Instant Watch! Score! If you HAVE to spend money on breakfast,* skip the cluster-eff that is Becky’s Diner on a Sunday morning, and head to Uncle Andy’s over the bridge in South Portland. Not only do you not deal with the annoying leaf peepers waiting impatiently for a diner meal at Becky’s, but you also get to experience a deelish breakfast for very cheap. Personally, I’m an Uncle Andy’s girl over Becky’s, any day. Not just because I hate crowds, but because they have a sign on the back wall that says “Where the Elite Meet to Eat.”

*Here’s a hint: you don’t—eggs are cheap and widely distributed in the state of Maine. Purchase some. You will save money.

Come nighttime, head to your parents' house, or to a successful friend's who has Showtime; it’s the Dexter season 6 premiere! You’re broke, so you should probably not do anything but watch Dexter tonight. Payday is five incredibly long days away, so slow down on the spending and mooch some dinner wherever you go to watch this highly anticipated episode of excellent television. Make sure whoever cooks makes a lot---you’ll probably need leftovers since you can barely afford groceries.

Until next time, good luck out there...

Crawlin' Forest Ave: a pub crawl for the chronically broke

This summer I spent way too much money, didn't read enough books, ate at too many restaurants, and as evidenced by my blog, never wrote. Now, my toes are cold in sandals, the leaves are changing color, and I can't afford the delicious pumpkin-flavored beers now on draft everywhere. Thank you summer for leaving me completely penniless for the fall. 

The weekdays aren’t so bad—go home, watch Netflix, overdose on the sodium from yet another Ramen Noodle dinner, fall asleep on my blow-up bed. However, after bopping around all summer long, staying in every weekend will get old fast. The Old Port has too many bars for my debit card to handle at this point, and like many twentysomethings in Portland, I don’t actually live downtown; God knows I can’t afford the cab rides to and from town. Do I stay in? Do I surrender to yet another Mad Men marathon?* Heck no—not every weekend at least!

*Though staying in with Don Draper actually doesn’t sound so bad…

So what’s a broke girl do? Well let me tell ya: venture out to Forest Ave—for a cheap, slightly slummy, pub crawl!

            Contrary to popular belief, the Old Port is not the only fun place Portland has to offer. I know the possibility of stumbling into Gritty’s for the same semi-high school reunion you have every weekend might seem really enticing, but maybe try something different for once. I did this Forest Ave pub crawl myself, and it was actually pretty awesome. And when I say pub crawl, I don’t mean just go to one or two bars—make your way down that beautiful strip of Asian restaurants, dive bars, and conveniently placed ATMs (some of these bars have yet to discover debit cards). Let your hair down and really make a night of it.

On my pub crawl, we wisely started the night at Samuel’s (a bar not unfamiliar to this blog), for some 50 cent wings and cheap pitchers of Miller Lite. It was a great, if not fast start,* to a fantastically cheap evening.

*If you know me, you know I love Samuel’s with all my heart (I have taste buds and a soul, don’t I?). However, their service is oftentimes…unbelievably slow. I once watched a waitress fill about 200 cups of blue cheese before bringing us our tab—but the wings are only 50 cents and they serve food until 1 am, so who’s the asshole complaining?

            After I wiped the buffalo sauce from my face (this took a while), we left Samuel's and made our way to The Frosty Pint. The scene was pretty much exactly what you would think it’d be: middle-aged alcoholics posted up at the bar, a few trashy-looking twentysomethings from Hollis or some other slightly out-of-the-way Maine town which refers to Portland as “the Big City,” and a couple college douchebags wearing the typical “look how funny this is that I’m slumming it” shit-eating grin you might come to expect from such individuals. However, if your friends are cool, who gives a shit what the rest of the crowd looks like. With 20 beers on draft, and splendid drink specials, this place is a win-win! If you’ve graduated college, technically Thursday is no longer a weekend—however, if you do find yourself on Forest Ave Thursday night, definitely hit up The Frosty Pint for their Talls for Smalls special, running from 7 PM-close. Also, Wednesdays they feature a different draft beer for only $2. Everyone likes $2 beers! Just ask the alcoholic sitting at the bar next to you!

            After we drank our fill of Talls for Smalls, we ventured to our next destination: The New Venue. I’d never been in the “old” Venue, and wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but was pleasantly surprised. The beats were bumpin’, the dancefloor was huge, the bar looked great, and the drinks were only $1!!! The only downside (for some) was its emptiness—I literally saw more staff than patrons! In all fairness though, it was a Thursday night before USM had started up again, and I’m pretty sure the place had just re-opened. Anyway, it didn’t really bother the group I was with as we weren’t in a meet-and-mingle mood anyhow. We sat at the bar and enjoyed the $2 Blue Moons and $1 PBRs. All in all, a fabulous find. Plus, now that school is back in session, I’m sure their business has picked up. Check out their Facebook page to see their sweet daily specials!

            Our last Forest Ave stop on this crawl was exactly where you would want to end the night: Ernie’s Pool and Darts. Though we played neither pool nor darts, we did play a riveting game of ping pong, or at least our version of the game. Not only do they have pool, darts, and ping pong, but holy moly, they’ve got pinball! Gritty’s doesn’t have pinball! One point for Forest Ave, zero points for downtown!

No one was really there but the bartender was just genuinely pumped to have some new (or any) faces in the bar—excitedly telling us they stayed open til midnight, “or later, if we wanted!” They don’t serve hard liquor at Ernie’s,* which is probably best because there are a lot of pool tables and I don’t really want any balls flying in my face which just might happen if hard alcohol were involved (that’s what she said?)…But seriously—that has happened to me. Pool ball to the face, that is. Didn’t feel great. Black eye for an entire summer. And you better believe booze was involved, so beer is best when billiards are a factor.

*But they do sell mini-bar bottles of Kahlúa?

            While I’d like to say we ended the evening on Forest Ave (which was kind of the point of this Forest Ave pub crawl), we failed and wound up in town. That’s only because our last planned stop was the Great Lost Bear; we had all forgotten they close stupidly early. So, we cabbed to Sonny’s, then sadly, cabbed back to our USM-area apartment. Sorry bank account. However, you don’t need to make the same silly mistake. If you don’t want to end the night at 11:30 PM (which no one does, Great Lost Bear), begin the night at GLB! Then make your way down to Samuel’s. As previously stated, they serve alcohol AND food until 1 AM; you can’t lose with this plan! Plus, by the time you reach Samuel’s, I bet that waitress has already filled her 200 cups of blue cheese so I’m sure the late-night service will be fabulous!

One more tip: if you find yourself with a horrendous hangover in the morning (you will), make one last stop on your Forest Ave adventure: Mekhong Thai is open and serves alcohol before 11 am.* While White Russians are not on the menu, believe me, they serve them. And they are dee-lish; just ask my friend Caroline (pictured above). You will thank me later.

*Why do I know this? Mind your own business. But really, I’m serious when I say it’s one of the only places on Forest Ave that serves this early, aside from Valley Chinese. But if you can handle the smell of Valley so early in the morning, you’re probably not hung over enough to need the White Russian.

Until next time, keep pinchin’ pennies and maybe I’ll see you on Forest Ave…

Summer is here, for real this time.

Now that you’ve spent all of your money on the beer and illegal* fireworks required for celebrating freedom, you most likely were planning on taking it easy this week. Think again. Summer finally decided to show up so don’t blow it by being a hermit. There’s a bunch of cheap ways to spend your summer evenings in the Greater Portland area; your “lack of money” is really just a euphemism for lameness.

*despite the fact that a certain governor wishes us all to blow ourselves up on the Fourth of July, the new bill legalizing fireworks does not go into effect until January 2012. Anything you set off yesterday, save sparklers, was still against the law.

Tuesday, July 5—Darlingside and Elijah Ocean Band play Port City Music Hall. The New England string-rock quintet Darlingside is definitely worth checking out. They’ve got an imaginative sound, blending rock, classical and folk. Doors open at 8 pm, and you get two bands for only $2.  If you were responsible over the holiday weekend and didn’t destroy your liver, then you may be interested in Port City’s $2 beer specials. However, fear not college freshman itching to get out of your parents’ house: the show is 18+. Port City seems to be one of the only venues in Portland that understands underage people sometimes listen to music. Who would’ve guessed?

Wednesday, July 6—Summer Concert series at Mill Creek Park. If you’re a bluegrass fan, cross the bridge into Mill Creek and take advantage of the free Wednesday night concert. Since Americans celebrate everything with alcohol, you may still be hungover by Wednesday evening.  Instead of hiding in your bedroom with the shades drawn, enjoy a chem-free night outside of your apartment. Skip the booze and pack a summer picnic to snack on while enjoying this week’s bluegrass band, The Dave Rowe Trio.  All concerts are from 6:30 to 8. This is a great all-ages event, perfect for a family outing, a friendly get together, a date, etc. Again, this is a free event, so no excuses!

Thursday, July 7—Alive at Five Concert Series. This annual series kicks off at 5 pm this Thursday at Monument Square. This week features The Mallet Brothers and Paranoid Social Club. It’s free, so again, just show up. Loosen your tie and head over after work with some friends. Have a cold drink in the Sebago Brewing Company beer garden while soaking up the free entertainment. It’s a great way to unwind after the work day, listen to some local/national music, and socialize.

Saturday, July 9—5^th Annual Radiance Arts and Culture Fest,. This block party-style festival is a celebration of summer, local art, and Portland culture. Admission is free and there will be plenty of live music, local food, arts and crafts, and even yoga demonstrations. The festival prides itself on promoting a healthy mind, body, and soul. This festival is probably going to be pretty darn cool; I always like to see Portland recognized and appreciated for its creativity, even if most references to “mind, body, and soul” make me cringe a little.  

I’m aware that most of these suggestions are music events. I didn’t really plan it this way; I guess the Maine music scene really amps up in the summertime when the weather is fine.  Or maybe I just have music on the brain. Either way, I think it’s pretty cool that these concerts are free or very cheap, allowing for your average “waiting-til-payday” Joe to stop being such a sweet bitch and have some fun. Portland’s got some very talented musicians out there and they deserve some recognition (well, some of them do anyway—see this for more on that subject).

Until next time…